Overweight

In addition to giving up smoking, I finally am forced to face reality - I am obese. Not overweight, or a bit fat, or I need to lose a few kilogram, I'm obese. Oh God it makes me shudder just saying that word obese, it doesn't even sound nice it sounds like something horrible and nasty.

I've always been overweight, well no, hang on a minute, that's not strictly true. For most of my life, I've been on the "big" side. Where other girls my age were a size 12, I was a size 16. Well do I remember I was about 16, and I was at this party. I had on a lime green skirt with permanent pleats, I can't remember the top, but I know the shoes were green too - slingbacks they were.

Oh it's horrible being overweight, alright alright alright, I know the word is obese but I am going to use the word overweight  because it sounds better and I can type it easier. I'm almost falling asleep here. If I allow myself to close my eyes for a brief moment. Unlike some, I use the "F" word - Fat. I say I'm fat, I have spoken about being fat. A memory surfaces of a dear fellow in a wheelchair, Colin his name may have been, but I'm not sure. With the passages of time it has become blurred, but not his face. I see him in his wheelchair more than thirty year later, telling me I was not fat, I was "pleasantly plump". He had been taught it was impolite to say a lady was fat, instead she was pleasantly plump. A smile comes to my face as I write this, for I was stupidly young and the world was my oyster, but I did not know it.

I am very tired and must close now before I nod off for good over the computer.

ETA: While searching the net for stuff about obesity and breathing difficulties, I came across this


.......To be continued ....................................

Giving Up Smoking #2

It is seven weeks and five days since I last had a fag and I can't sleep. It is 4:48 in the morning but I have been awake since 3:15 this morning. I am finding it difficult to go back to sleep. Going off to sleep is pretty much normal, it is the waking in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep what is the problem. Not only does it create tiredness and I feel tired in the afternoon, I also get headaches.

The quit shudder

Take this morning for example, I have an idea I had woken up a few times before I actually woke up it that makes sense? I was hot, my head was sweaty, my hear was wet. I went to the loo, went back to bedroom and was wide awake. What to do? Well, in the "olden" days, that is before computers and electronic equipment, I would have curled on a lounge chair or sat up in bed and read a book, but today? Nah, I'd rather play around on the computer. I am thinking of putting on some slippers (my feet are cold in thongs) making a cup of tea (even though my mouth is dry and has a bad taste in it) and watching something on the telly. Yes, that might be the best thing to do at the moment.

To be continued ...........................

Well now it's a couple of hours later - actually four hours, it's just gone nine o'clock by four minutes. I've had breakfast, two cups of tea and watched three episodes of Prisoner.

Smoking in the house
Someone asked me if I used to smoke inside the house or only outside. I used to smoke inside the house ( we all did), until January 1996 when we due for a week of 35°+ temperatures to look forward to and daughter said it might be a good idea to smoke outside because we'd have the doors and windows closed so much the house might smell a bit. On the fourth morning of not smoking inside, I came back from Safeway about 8.45, got in the front door and noticed something strange, couldn't work out what it was at first, started sniffing and realised what it was - I couldn't smell any smoke. Told daughter from then on there was no smoking in the house. If someone was outside having a smoke you could always tell if they hadn't shut the back (or front) door because I'd smell smoke inside.

I used to smoke in bed. When I think about it now....

One thing I am finding, I wake up in the night a few times, then wake two hours early and can't go back to sleep. Sometimes it is more than two hours early which is a pain in the you know what.

Smoking at the Doctor's?
Of course. Naturally.
You'd be at the doctor's and the waiting room would be full of smoke, the doc would say you have bronchitis, you shouldn't be smoking - cough cough cough, the doctor coughed as he smoked while telling you. Patients smoked in their hospital beds, I remember smoking in the maternity ward, the babies in their hospital cots near the beds. Nobody complained, it was the accepted thing.


Two Weeks Later
It's two weeks tomorrow since I stopped smoking and grandson is turning one year old. Son is planning on going to the local park and having Lahm Bi Ajin (Lebanese pastries) because his flat is too small. If his older brother can't come, there will only be four adults including myself coming. Wish it wasn't in the park - the ex smokes and older son smokes. I am still in the "I don't want to be around smokers because it's tempting" basket.

Fifteen days later
Today is the 16th day and I still do think/picture/see an image of sitting down enjoying a ciggie, that slow, inhaling, and the wonderful exhaling and the calm that follows. BUT ..... I can see the health benefit(s) of not smoking - I'm not coughing as much. (I am trying to convince myself)

I read online that after two weeks it gets a little easier. Typed in "how long do cravings for smoking go on", opened a coupled of websites, this one helped Yahoo - How long do cravings last after Quitting Smoking?. Reading other ex-smokers' words is good, it can sometimes help harden the resolve. How long did you smoke? Me - 47 years. I'm glad I am not using patches or gone onto those e cigarettes.

Yesterday was easier than I thought, although I could smell the smoke at the beginning. I must admit though, that sitting in the one spot did get a bit boring and yes, I thought if only I could have a cigarette now. I had the thought more than once. I am glad I didn't though. Walking back to the car later, I was huffing and puffing and that without smoking! And I thought bloddy hell, if it's this hard to walk this short distance, how am I going to manage in Japan? I have to lose a lot of weight as well as stopping smoking.


Twenty days later
I haven't arrived at the "God that's revolting" stage yet when I see a cigarette or see a smoker or think of smoking. At the moment I'm more in the "well it's saving me money stage."

Smoking...not smoking

A strange thing happened yesterday and today. Yesterday, I bought an 80 cent cappuccino from the petrol station (I used to buy them sometimes from there when I finished work). Although it's from a machine which you use yourself and not quite the same as actually going to a cafe, it wasn't bad at all. Well anyway, I bought one yesterday, parked outside IGL to sip coffee and read my book (I used to do this when I smoked and thought to create a new habit). But.....I found I didn't enjoy the coffee, in fact I didn't like it.

Today, after visiting the doc's (I go every Friday morning), drove back to the French bakery, the brioche was sold out so bought something else instead and a proper cappuccino. Sat in car, ate my escargot, sipped the coffee and I didn't like that either. I've come to the conclusion either I really don't like cappuccino and/or coffee, or, because I've gotten out of the habit of having them I don't enjoy them. I wondered to myself if I would have enjoyed it had I still been smoking? But - I don't know, I don't think so. It seems that I used to drink coffee (at home) not because I really wanted one but because I smoked and it made the smoking better. Weird huh?

Another thing - yesterday I went to online banking to pay the rent and was shocked to see how much money was in my account. It has been a very, very long time since I had that much in it. Mind you, after paying the rent it went down, but was still a very nice sum. It can't just be the not smoking can it? Surely I couldn't have been smoking that much? I am not buying anything either - apart from goods at supermarkets, butchers or chemists or putting petrol in the car, I haven't spent money on stuff. (Apart from today at the French bakery.)

Sometimes I find myself thinking would it really matter if I had just one cigarette? One cigarette wouldn't hurt not really. Then again, I say if I slip up or slip back and have one, then I've "ruined" the/my record of x number of days I've not had any cigarettes and would have to start counting from the beginning all over again.


Three weeks plus a day
Yesterday was the three week mark. Not sure if it's getting better or what. I still dream of sitting somewhere enjoying a fag, but I know this must remain a dream and not a reality. When I say I still dream, I mean thinking about it when I'm awake although the other night, I did have a dream that I had a cigarette in my dream. Don't know where I was but think I must have been somewhere other than my home country.

I will have to start and exercise, Junior's right about that. He went to Japan last year and said you walk everywhere. Before I had a car and when I lived in Moonee Ponds, I had to walk to work every day - it was 500 metres each way. Now were I to walk that same distance I'd be exhausted. Junior did tell me to start walking before I went to Europe but I didn't, he's saying the same thing for Japan. I find standing gives me lower back ache and walking does too. It doesn't help being over weight

Four weeks and two days
Somebody commented to me cigarettes are so addictive they should be banned. Well if they were banned it would certainly help people like me but no government in their right mind will declare tobacco products illegal, they would lose too much money in taxes and levies, not to mention the tobacco companies would not be happy.

AM gave up smoking over 10 years ago and said it never goes away, she still feels like having one at times. And someone I met some years ago said she gave up for medical reasons (something to do with her eyes) said she didn't mind other people smoking and loved the smell of them (the cigarettes, not the people.)

Although I have given up I detest the holier than thou anti-smokers who carry on like two bob watches and lambaste any smoker they see. What they need to remember is smoking is not illegal, therefore the person smoking is not committing an illegal act.

Sometimes, like now actually I wish I was sitting outside having a fag or two. Thinking about it makes me want to do it more and the longer I think about it the more I want to have one.

Five weeks later
Today will be especially difficult as Junior is having a party for his birthday - bbq, drinks etc under the carport. Occurred to me just a short while ago I will find it hard, sitting outside, drinks, food, people, and no fags. Always, always, I pass the time enjoying a fag. Told Junior who said, "You'll be alright." Don't tell me I'll be alright I almost snarled, well says he if you find it's hard then come inside. Yes, I might have to do that. Even if guests think I'm being rude, sitting at the computer doing something is better for me than sitting outside.

Five weeks today btw. I hope I don't crack up and give in. Daughter is coming too - she's given up. Only two smokers coming here - son and his partner.

I wish I had faith in myself.

Fives weeks and one day later
Well I survived yesterday's do. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. No wine glasses - it was either straight from the bottle or paper cups. (Beer, cider, soft drink) Had two bottles of cider. Should have remembered to drink water. Migraine started last night.


Five weeks four days
Woke up early after a dream. In my dream I find my daughter has started smoking again and I am angry. Which seems out of proportion in the cold light of day, but I was angry because it made it harder for me, less encouragement? no support? her smoking and me not? don't know what it was but it was unsettling. Then the dream became jumbled. Or maybe that was a second dream. Is it normal to dream about smoking or not smoking when you have stopped?
Need to work out how much I have "saved." But somewhere in the vicinity of $750. I think.

Six weeks later
I really really want a ciggie. It's really bad and irt's been bad for the past couple of hours. Course it didn't help that I didn't go to bed last night. I didn't want to go to bed early, being a Friday, I don't have to get up for work on Saturday so wanted to go to bed late. (Don't know what for, I mean it isn't as if I have anywhere to go at midnight) except for watch television or on the computer.

Anyway fell asleep, then hopped on the computer, did some stuff, had looked at buying some clothes online to take to Japan - "Holiday clothes" (I've never bought holiday clothes before), that were online but didn't complete the form so didn't spend any money. Which I have mixed feelings about I'm glad but I'm resigned.

I think what really tipped me over the edge to being badly in need of a smoke, is it's as though it is/was a celebratory thing - I had been thinking about going to the Kiso Valley since I first heard about it and had tried to work out how to do it as a day trip from Kyoto, when I came upon a forum post on a forum I've not heard of before and this person had worked out how to stop there overnight from Tokyo on the way to Kyoto and I thought I can do that too. So I booked a place - there were only four places, only two of which are in the town (Magome) I booked both the two while I decide which one I should stay at. The price difference is very great, I'd rather pay the cheaper one but I think the more expensive one would give me a really true Japanese experience of old Japan. It includes half board and the facilities are better. Anyhhoo, I'd booked them then couldn't settle I was sort of so excited, I was really excited that I had finally worked this into my itinerary that I wanted to shout it to the world but there's nobody other than me here.

Tried watching telly, tried eating chocolate eggs (not good for my non-existent waist) tried going back on the computer couldn't settle. It is day time now and light outside but I have a weekend of nothing to look forward to, no where to go, Junior is at mate's place and I realise I am bored, but don't know what to do to relieve the boredom. Don't say housework, clean the house. I don't want to clean the house, It's so mundane. You know, I almost gave in and thought about going up the street and buying a packet of cigarettes and was glad that Junior had thrown out the chopchop from the cupboard which I never could smoke as it was too strong. Had it been there, I think I would have been sorely tempted.

MY fingers won't sit still, I'm itching to do something and my toes are moving around too. I really miss smoking and enjoying the relaxation of it. Can't be bothered to correct typing errors. Can't drink any more tea, but I NEED something and I don't know what it is other than what it shouldn't be.
There! Corrected the typing errors. There were many.


Today's quote: I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself ~ Johnny Carson

Giving Up Smoking

Stopping smoking and not smoking any more is not easy, in fact is is bloody hard. I stopped smoking over a month ago and I was initially surprised at how easy it was. I thought I would be climbing up hte wall, yet that hasn't happened. It's easier but then it's not. It's kinda insidious, you feel good about it and the cravings aren't too bad but then snap! all of a sudden you feel a great longing for a cigarette. You go back and remember when you were on holiday in (name place) and sat on the wooden seat across from your accommodation place by the river and sipped on coffee or you walked a bit, felt really hot so bought a green tea, sat by the river, inhaling the beauty and scents around you as you lit up a fag, stretched your legs out, closed your eyes and just enjoyed the moment. (This particularly memory was in Luang Prabang and I remember the rest of the day perfectly)

Anyhoo, back to the present, suddenly you have a great longing for a fag, it's like a physical things, you can't sit still, even the typing at the computer isn't helping, doesn't take your mind off it. You have a brilliance of restless energy, you have to move, you have to do something, but you can't seem to motivate yourself to actually get up and do, to get up and go. I know this is laziness but I just can't be bothered doing things. Can't even be bothered going to the shops for necessities like bread and milk.

Today it's been seven weeks and two days since I had a smoke. I'll tell you about it here. (I'm writing this to help myself, if you don't want to read it I really don't care. That's the first time I've ever said that or even thought that that I don't care if people like what I write or not. Just shows how low I've sunk eh? This giving up smoking certainly is a good way to take you down a peg or two - if you had tickets on yourself, or thought yourself better than others, or thought you were a somebody then this is one sure fire way to overcome that quickly!

Back on 6 Feb
Sitting here and I so badly want a cigarette. I'm bored, there's nothing to do, yes I know I can do housework, and I know I have to declutter my room and I know I should fold towels etc and put them away but I just need to keep my hands occupied. Hence typing on the computer. Yesterday was spent between watching television and the computer.
Was getting edgy so rang son, thought I'd pop in. No answer. Got through late afternoon, son said next weekend would be better, I almost had to beg, explained about the giving up smoking thing, went there for an hour or so, came home, the outing to son, dil and baby had helped although driving was another issue. I usually smoke when driving.

Had enough smarts to remove the butt bucket from the car earlier in the day. The weekend being hot, the front door and other outer doors were kept closed.

Today, doors are open, I can see the green plastic chair I sit/sat on when having a fag. Back to work today. Usually smoke before starting work. Bugger, it's hard. Junior came home from his gf's (went there on Saturday morning), asked how's it going, said good when I told him I hadn't had a smoke since before 9:00am Saturday. Then..then, he said, "I'm throwing these out." My silver and black cigarette case and lighter. I protested, I still need them (though the case is empty), I'm not ready for it to go. Told him that wasn't being helpful, I need to do that myself, I need to be able to throw them out I meed to be able to let go. He said there's another case there, you can throw that one out. I don't think he understands.

Three days later
It is almost 3 days since my last cigarette - sometime between 8:00am and 9:00am Saturday. According to one website, "Three Days After You Quit. At this point, the nicotine will be completely out of your body. Unfortunately, that means that the symptoms of nicotine withdrawal will generally peak around this time. You may experience some physical symptoms such as headaches, nausea, or cramps in addition to the emotional symptoms mentioned in slide #3. To fight the mental symptoms, reward yourself for not smoking; use the money you would have spent on cigarettes to treat yourself to something nice."

Four days later
Keep thinking how wonderful it would be sitting with a ciggie and enjoying it and how good it would taste now that I haven't had one for 4 days! But yeah, got to keep strong. Even the fact that Junior threw my (favourite) cigarette case and lighter out isn't quite as big a deal as it was when he did it.

Today, have to do the bedroom - floordrobe etc, hang up clothes, put things in their place before tomorrow's photos. And clean the stove etc.
Have worked out I still have my morning cup of tea on waking but instead of sitting outside having two fags, I come and sit at the computer.


Five days later
With the money saved by not smoking, I can afford the Japan trip. (Jetstar had a big Japan sale last September so I booked tickets, then worried how I was going to pay for it) I opened a new account, one of those online ones, last year and was transferring from normal account each month, enough in there to cover JR pass and accommodation. But car insurance is due end of next month (March), that's in the $600 mark, car hasn't been serviced since 2013 or early 2014? that's probably four figures. So now I can leave the money in new account, and be able to pay upcoming bills. If I keep telling myself facts and figures like these, that is a good thing, yes?

Finished bedroom declutter, just have to move one or two things, make the bed and room's done. (Don't look under the bed). Can drink tea without feeling I need a fag, but haven't attempted coffee yet. I had noticed for a long while I was having endless cups of tea and coffee, not because I "felt" like a cup of whatever but because I'd have one to accompany the ciggies, ergo I knew I was drinking too many cups, but now, I have a cuppa tea because I feel like one. Coffee, especially cappuccino, I relate to smoking so that's on the back burner. I wasn't particularly enamoured with ordinary coffee (instant) as it often left a metallic taste in the mouth.

Found two more bags that need sorting, and dishes to be washed, want to get these done before I leave for work. Junior hasn't been going off at me as much for being messy, untidy etc. because I'm not smoking. I know he's pleased as punch that I'm doing this.

The Money Jar
Someone suggest I make a money jar and have it where I can see it. The idea being as you see your savings grow, you realise just how much money you're saving from not smoking it will help keep you on the straight and narrow and giver you extra confidence to say "no" if you think you might fall off the wagon. Can you fall off a wagon if you take up smoking again, or is that reserved for alcoholics who go back on the grog? Back to the topic in hand, I'll check later and see how much I've saved.

Nine days later
Had a bad weekend with my innards. Took medicine, couldn't go anywhere, couldn't sit comfortably. Add that to no fags it was trying. Haven't had a smoke since Saturday 6 February, thought about it, think about it more than other times at times (if that makes sense?). Tell myself think of the money I'm saving, I see a picture in my mind's eye - of me in Japan and my car on the road (insurance paid and service done). Plus, I haven't been coughing nearly as much as before.

When I'd be on the phone, I'd be cough, cough, cough, every time I laughed, it turned into a cough. That had been happening for a few years. Off to work now, will add more later
Back from work. I opened a new account called (wait for it) Baccy Bank. Think I'll make a "Japan thing" and maybe a "car thing" and put them next to the money jar on top of the computer. Or at least some visual thing which will be in my face everyday. Forget that, it didn't work except make the shelf look untidy. I have to try and think of something else I can put there instead.

Back to the present
I still have my morning cup of tea on waking but instead of sitting outside having two fags, I come and sit at the computer. The green chair had been moved by someone to another position, I'm going to put it in the back yard with the others.
Have been told by a family member who has given smoking a few times (the last time they didn't smoke for 18 months) that you put on weight. He said he put on 14kgs. . Hellp! I can't afford to put on weight, any weight at all I am so over-weight already, let alone putting on an extra 14kgs. But....it's true, you do put on weight, I have put on weight - everywhere.


To be continued............

Today's quote: Giving up smoking is one of the easiest things in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times ~ Mark Twain.