Someone told me that in my previous post, the section under the heading 'Six weeks later' was interesting, because I said I wanted a cigarette as a celebration and also to relax. She went on to say these things are on the opposite ends of the leisure spectrum and that she used to do this when she smoked, it was a way of rationalising why she smoked and gave her a good excuse for doing it.
She understood, yes. The rationalisation, although I hadn't seen that before now. That is how I'm feeling. I found this What they don't tell you about quitting smoking So many websites are just so clinical and don't really sound like they are written by real people, this is different.
When I feel like shit and say I really really want a smoke, I got this "If you do, you will have people around you commenting, saying that they knew you wouldn't be able to give up, that they are surprised you lasted this long etc. prove them wrong."
Yes, do you think I haven't thought of this dear blog? That's another thing which makes me want to stay on the straight and narrow. There will be some I know who will get a fiendish delight in telling me, "I told you so" - I really don't want to give them the satisfaction. Hummph.. But will not giving satisfaction be enough? Makes me think of that song Satisfaction. So you know I thought the title was, "I ain't got no satisfaction"? I never did like the Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger had the ugliest mug I'd ever seen. As a bit of interest, I hunted up the song on youtube, there is of course more than one rendition, but his one from 1965 was one of the least offensive. One of the later version live in 1981 is just dreadful, so pathetic watching some nit prance around in yellow pants and a flag. What a loser.
But back to reality, the doc I see weekly said smoking has been a huge part of my life and now I no longer have it, it's like losing a friend, and you need to grieve which is why it is important for me to throw out my cigarette case, why it was important for me to throw out the chop chop in the cupboard, not Junior. I had old him Junior had thrown the chopchop out the other day and although I had thought of doing it, I had left it there, I realised I wasn't really ready to let go of it, it was something I needed to do, sort of like a ritual. That was when he said the bit about grieving and said throwing out cases, fags etc. is symbolic, I need to do this when I am ready, not somebody else. Unfortunately Junior threw out my cigarette case (the nice one) within a week of my stopping I felt angry and betrayed at that. It would be stupid for me to go buy another fag case or another packet of fags just to put in the cupboard so I can throw them away - it wouldn't be the same as having bought them before I stopped, it wouldn't mean anything.
I now understand why my daughter still has about 10 fags in a pack in the cupboard and hasn't thrown them out. I'm going to book the car in for service for the school holidays.
Did go out yesterday, did look at clothes. They looked bloody awful on me anyway and in the cold light of day even the one that looked alright - I liked it but I didn't love it.
Seven weeks and five days
It's been almost eight weeks and I still miss smoking. Not all the time because I don't think about it all the time but it just pops into my mind like an then I fantasise about it. When I say I fantasise, I mean I go off in la-la land and imagine a story - a different day to the one I am in and pretend. I have always had a good imagination which can be a very good thing but sometimes being blessed with a vivid imagination is not the best way to sail through life easily. And so, we come to today..... life has become boring...life was boring before... but at least I'd break up the monotony of the day and sit outside and haver a smoke while I read a book or read through a travel brochure. I know, I know, that is not a good enough reason to start smoking again,but I miss it so.
Dear blog, someone said to me, "Instead of thinking of cigarettes as nice, pleasant and relaxing, you should be looking at them as other people do: horrible, smelly things which make you look and smell bad, and damage your health and your finances. After all, that's why you are giving them up, isn't it?"
Er well no, that isn't why I gave them up. It just sort of happened but the big crowd puller was the cost. Well partly the cost and partly because I'd look at the unlit cigarette and think to myself, I don't really want it, I don't really feel like it. But another part of me at the same time said, No I can have it if I want, I needed to have it even though I didn't really want it. Does this mean I've begun thinking like an addict? Does this mean I am able to acknowledge I am addicted to them? Not in the usual way where we know the fags are addictive but nobody ever really says it and talks about it.
Here's the crunch - even if I stop thinking of cigarettes as nice, pleasant and relaxing, I quite simply do not see them as horrible, smelly things which make me look and smell bad, and damage my health. I am trying to convince myself my health is better because I don't cough as much, but that's as far as it goes. Not everybody who smokes gets cancer, not everybody who dies of cancer was a smoker.
One could say I'm hampered by the fact that Nana smoked packs of Craven A - the unfiltered ones, she never got cancer, never caught colds or had chest infections or anything. Grandma on the other hand never smoked a day in her life, didn't drink, didn't go out and party died much earlier than me Nana.
ON the other hand,
As far as my finances go, then yes, they are certainly much healthier and if I keep up not smoking I will have a nice little bundle each year won't I? This really is the only thing that is 100% a truism for me regarding stopping smoking. At least at present.
Today's quote: I once sang 'Summer Nights,' from 'Grease,' at a bar in Melbourne with John Travolta, who's a good friend of mine. He looked cool singing the part of Danny - sitting in an armchair, smoking a cigar - while I got stuck playing Sandy ~ Hugh Jackman